i have an inner drag queen like some people have an inner child.

and she's every bit as entertaining and precocious, if not nearly as innocent.

if i ever open my mouth and a true gem of self-deprecating comedy comes out, it comes verbatim from the drag queen. when i face difficult confrontation head on, it's thanks to her. she's so fucking loud at times i can't hear my own thoughts, but she's always forgiven, as she alone bails my ass out of trouble when the actual me would be tongue-tied and flustered and useless. she makes certain people instantly uncomfortable, and i avoid a lot of meaningless interaction that way. i wouldn't trade my inner drag queen in for any other psychological crutch.

there's no debating her presence, she's just there. she's been around for a while. so long, in fact, that if i tell her i need some alone time and she decides to sulk and stay away for a few days, people start asking me why i "don't seem myself lately".

nobody has ever questioned why my inner person is a drag queen - not that everyone knows she is, of course. i haven't really even questioned it myself, though. but it's a curious notion: at what age did i first get the concept of drag queens? at what age did i discover a voice within me that belonged to one? how can i explain why this voice falls into such a specific demographic? and also: what does this say about my own understanding of identity and gender?

deconstruction of gender is a powerful thing that alienates many. it has always held a strong attraction for me; perhaps initially for its transgressive nature, as a form of social rebellion. but it is so infinitely much more than that - a liberation from a norm that is so ingrained in us, it limits our perspective on beauty and emotional honesty; a willingness to play with constructed ideals and see beyond what is biologically relevant to what is universally important. am i making sense here? feels like i'm writing an academic paper.

anyway, by the time i was able to intellectually grasp the concept of drag, i already had an inner drag queen. she spawned out of my own crumbling foundation of gender identity, coupled with the empowering knowledge that social perception is malleable, and thus stereotypes can be used quite cleverly to subvert their own condemning nature. in other words - the drag queen was the result of a pretty impressive experiment in mental alchemy: she came from bottomless vulnerability, fusing with a zest for self-actualization against all 'natural' odds.

see? how could she have been anything else.

saying all that, i think i may have neglected to stess a really important detail about her. she's just so goddamn fun.

like today. she took one look at what i posted earlier, and her voice sounded loud and clear in my head. it's a gorgeous day out, kittentits. don't make me bitch-slap the angsty out of you.